Archive for the ‘General’ Category

Well phrased

Friday, August 13th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

I know, I know … quoting song lyrics is very cheesy … but I like cheese ūüôā

This is from some live version of the song “Hey Girl” by O.A.R.¬† I am pretty sure these lyrics vary greatly from¬†the original recording.¬† I am not even sure I have heard the studio version … regardless, I just think this is a very creatively written way to state its point.¬† Seeing it written seems to lose most of it’s brilliance.¬† I think it needs to be heard to appreciate it.¬† Click Here to listen to it.

Well I’ll give you my heart, and I will give you all my soul,
and you can have my money, and if you like you can have control.
And all I want from you is love, and a little bit of faith,
maybe trust, honesty, goes a long long way.
In my mind, I miss you, every night that you’re not there,
and all I’d like to do is sit around and breathe your air.
And although you don’t feel the things that I might do, all I need is … just you!
Hey girl come with me, and let yourself go …

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My fall, my choices, and my reminder

Thursday, August 12th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

Last June (2009) I had what I am referring to as a life changing event.¬† It was what I feel¬†to be an extreme¬†low point in my life.¬† I call it my “fall” … metaphorically as well as literally.¬† It was a colossal blunder, a¬†stupid mistake that actually ended up physically hurting me.¬† I am just eternally thankful¬†I didn’t hurt anyone else.¬† I spent the next few months beating myself up about it.¬† Punishing myself if you will.¬† I was¬†so broken that I probably should have gone to seek professional help.¬† I did however¬†rely on the fact that driving is therapy to me.¬† In August and October, I was able to circle the entire US twice, and take multiple weekend trips throughout the greater North East.¬† Then in November I made it down to Florida to visit a friend, and by that point, I had driven through all of the lower 48 states in the calendar year 2009.¬† It was a lot of driving.¬† From 7/1/2009 to 7/14/2010 I put over 51,000 miles on my car.¬† I think¬†the therapy was successful.

Based on this event, and the inordinate amount of driving therapy, I decided to make¬†a few¬†life changing decisions.¬† Live my life differently.¬† I promised myself a few things.¬† Some were easy, and some were difficult.¬† One of my promises I sort of ended up breaking.¬† In hopes of a “normal” life, I strayed, and decided to try something.¬† I shouldn’t have.¬† So, I have since rectified that situation, and I have resolved myself to hold true to all of my decisions.¬†

In order to stick to these decisions, I decided to create a daily reminder for myself.  Something that I will be forced to see every day.  Something permanent that will follow me wherever I go so I will not have a chance to hide from my newly chosen life.  It has taken almost a year to complete, but it is finally done.  A few of my close friends have been involved, and have helped me along the way, but for the most part, this is a very private matter.  So private in fact, that even my closest friends do not know all of the promises I made to myself.  For this reason, this reminder is not on public display.  It is my personal reminder, and will remain private.

It has been over a year since my fall. ¬†My reminder is complete, and seems to be serving it’s purpose very well.¬† So far so good.

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Too nice??

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as “too nice”.¬†¬† I mean, I always try to live my life with others considerations in mind … well not only in mind, but ahead of my own.¬† Is that so bad?¬† In theory, it seems like the right thing to do, the right way to live.¬† But in reality, it can tend to turn you into a floor mat.¬†

You see I have very little self esteem … a very low self image.¬† I am just a guy … a nobody if you will.¬† Just a face in the crowd.¬† There is nothing special or unique about me. ¬†I do not draw attention when I am out.¬† I am not the life of the party.¬† People don’t look up to me.¬† I am just Joe Average.¬† What I do have however is a very large capacity for generosity.¬† I tend to just give and give without ever asking anything in return, and if ever presented with something in return, I normally turn it down.¬† I think the word is spreading.¬† I think people are starting to realize this. ¬†I think some people are starting to count on that, and it is starting to hurt.¬† Having my generosity taken for granted is painful.¬†

Along the lines of “too nice” is my passivity.¬† I never expect anything, it’s my self esteem.¬† I never feel I deserve anything (except for maybe a little respect).¬† And because I never feel I deserve anything, I never “go for it”.¬† I never reach, I never take chances.¬† I will never get it anyway … right?¬† In this way, I become the “nice” guy … the giving one … the safe one.¬† The one not to worry about … i.e. … the one who finishes last.¬†

Sometimes I wish I could be the asshole, the boastful one, the arrogant one, the one who gets what he wants.¬† Then I realize that this guy rarely gets to keep¬†anything … he quickly gains enemies, and loses friends.¬† However, this guy doesn’t care about that.¬† He is too proud.¬† He moves on, and continues taking.¬† Ah what a life!¬† To¬†truly believe¬†that you really are “The Man” … must be nice.¬† Sure there are others that would completely disagree with him, but they don’t matter to him.¬† He passes them off as jerks … the “know nothings”, and revels in the glory of himself.¬† No … I don’t want to be him.¬† That seems too shallow and empty.

I would rather stay who I am.¬† I will continue to be the nice guy … too nice … expect nothing, and probably get it.¬† I am too good at swallowing the pain of being walked on, and being taken advantage of.¬† Since I expect nothing, it makes sense to be treated like that.¬† I am nothing.¬† So I will just take it, send the pain below, and continue on my path.

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Finding a Home

Friday, July 23rd, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

I have moved around a lot.¬† So much of my “growing up” (physically, emotionally, and personally) has occurred in some diverse places in this world.¬† Mind you, I am not complaining.¬† As a result of this diversity and exposure, I feel that I have become quite a well rounded person.¬† I have learned a lot, seen a lot, grown a lot.¬† I can easily feel comfortable in many more varying situations than most people who have not had the opportunity to grow as I have.¬† But all this seems to have happened at a price.¬† What/where do I call home?¬† Somehow the events, people, and places that have formed me into who I am, have somehow¬†cost me a loss of identity.¬† A paradox.

I am pretty sure I have found a home, and I think it is within reach.¬† Who knows.¬† In his¬†past year this paradox has become more apparent, more prevalent, and more vital to solve.¬† Maybe it is age.¬† I am 37 now, how can I not be able to call anywhere or anything home?¬† Shouldn’t I be able to by now?¬† Aren’t most people settled into their identity and lives by this time?

Back to my theory of possibly finding it.¬† It is a world that I have been learning more about over the past few years.¬† Growing more and more fond of it with more exposure.¬† Sometimes in baby steps, and sometimes in huge bounds.¬†¬†There are aspects¬†in this¬†world/place/situation that I have (in times past, or in other places) found difficult to deal with.¬† But in this specific place, those aspects don’t matter.¬† I have had glimpses of being a part of this place, and during those brief moments, I felt at home.¬† Totally comfortable, totally at ease, any and all troubles¬†became insignificant.¬† Because in this place, I felt that I belonged, and when you belong, when you are home, everything will be okay, all problems will be able to be worked out, anything can be dealt with.¬† When you are home, you are safe from the world.¬† You are¬†protected by, and made stronger by this sense of home.

I have seen it, I have felt it, I want it.¬†¬†Only time will tell ¬†……

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Second Chances

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

Every once in a while life will throw you a second chance.¬† Lets hope I don’t blow it again this time.¬† I actually can’t believe I am writing this, putting my deepest thoughts out for the public to see.¬† Thank goodness this¬†is ambiguous enough to protect both the guily and the innocent.¬† Besides … who is going to read this anyway …

Right now, things are good.  Really good.  If they stay this way for the rest of my life, I will die a very happy man.  If they get better, I will eventually die the happiest man that ever lived. 

But what is the best way to proceed?¬† I fear the pace is everything.¬† Too fast … blow it … too slow … blow it.¬† I have no idea where the lines are that I cannot cross.¬† Are there any lines at all anyway?¬† Best thing to do is man up and be totally up front … put it all out there and see what happens.¬† But is that gonna also blow it?¬† Only one way to find out …

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