A face in the crowd

Well phrased

Friday, August 13th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

I know, I know … quoting song lyrics is very cheesy … but I like cheese 🙂

This is from some live version of the song “Hey Girl” by O.A.R.  I am pretty sure these lyrics vary greatly from the original recording.  I am not even sure I have heard the studio version … regardless, I just think this is a very creatively written way to state its point.  Seeing it written seems to lose most of it’s brilliance.  I think it needs to be heard to appreciate it.  Click Here to listen to it.

…
Well I’ll give you my heart, and I will give you all my soul,
and you can have my money, and if you like you can have control.
And all I want from you is love, and a little bit of faith,
maybe trust, honesty, goes a long long way.
In my mind, I miss you, every night that you’re not there,
and all I’d like to do is sit around and breathe your air.
And although you don’t feel the things that I might do, all I need is … just you!
Hey girl come with me, and let yourself go …

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My fall, my choices, and my reminder

Thursday, August 12th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

Last June (2009) I had what I am referring to as a life changing event.  It was what I feel to be an extreme low point in my life.  I call it my “fall” … metaphorically as well as literally.  It was a colossal blunder, a stupid mistake that actually ended up physically hurting me.  I am just eternally thankful I didn’t hurt anyone else.  I spent the next few months beating myself up about it.  Punishing myself if you will.  I was so broken that I probably should have gone to seek professional help.  I did however rely on the fact that driving is therapy to me.  In August and October, I was able to circle the entire US twice, and take multiple weekend trips throughout the greater North East.  Then in November I made it down to Florida to visit a friend, and by that point, I had driven through all of the lower 48 states in the calendar year 2009.  It was a lot of driving.  From 7/1/2009 to 7/14/2010 I put over 51,000 miles on my car.  I think the therapy was successful.

Based on this event, and the inordinate amount of driving therapy, I decided to make a few life changing decisions.  Live my life differently.  I promised myself a few things.  Some were easy, and some were difficult.  One of my promises I sort of ended up breaking.  In hopes of a “normal” life, I strayed, and decided to try something.  I shouldn’t have.  So, I have since rectified that situation, and I have resolved myself to hold true to all of my decisions. 

In order to stick to these decisions, I decided to create a daily reminder for myself.  Something that I will be forced to see every day.  Something permanent that will follow me wherever I go so I will not have a chance to hide from my newly chosen life.  It has taken almost a year to complete, but it is finally done.  A few of my close friends have been involved, and have helped me along the way, but for the most part, this is a very private matter.  So private in fact, that even my closest friends do not know all of the promises I made to myself.  For this reason, this reminder is not on public display.  It is my personal reminder, and will remain private.

It has been over a year since my fall.  My reminder is complete, and seems to be serving it’s purpose very well.  So far so good.

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Too nice??

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as “too nice”.   I mean, I always try to live my life with others considerations in mind … well not only in mind, but ahead of my own.  Is that so bad?  In theory, it seems like the right thing to do, the right way to live.  But in reality, it can tend to turn you into a floor mat. 

You see I have very little self esteem … a very low self image.  I am just a guy … a nobody if you will.  Just a face in the crowd.  There is nothing special or unique about me.  I do not draw attention when I am out.  I am not the life of the party.  People don’t look up to me.  I am just Joe Average.  What I do have however is a very large capacity for generosity.  I tend to just give and give without ever asking anything in return, and if ever presented with something in return, I normally turn it down.  I think the word is spreading.  I think people are starting to realize this.  I think some people are starting to count on that, and it is starting to hurt.  Having my generosity taken for granted is painful. 

Along the lines of “too nice” is my passivity.  I never expect anything, it’s my self esteem.  I never feel I deserve anything (except for maybe a little respect).  And because I never feel I deserve anything, I never “go for it”.  I never reach, I never take chances.  I will never get it anyway … right?  In this way, I become the “nice” guy … the giving one … the safe one.  The one not to worry about … i.e. … the one who finishes last. 

Sometimes I wish I could be the asshole, the boastful one, the arrogant one, the one who gets what he wants.  Then I realize that this guy rarely gets to keep anything … he quickly gains enemies, and loses friends.  However, this guy doesn’t care about that.  He is too proud.  He moves on, and continues taking.  Ah what a life!  To truly believe that you really are “The Man” … must be nice.  Sure there are others that would completely disagree with him, but they don’t matter to him.  He passes them off as jerks … the “know nothings”, and revels in the glory of himself.  No … I don’t want to be him.  That seems too shallow and empty.

I would rather stay who I am.  I will continue to be the nice guy … too nice … expect nothing, and probably get it.  I am too good at swallowing the pain of being walked on, and being taken advantage of.  Since I expect nothing, it makes sense to be treated like that.  I am nothing.  So I will just take it, send the pain below, and continue on my path.

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Finding a Home

Friday, July 23rd, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

I have moved around a lot.  So much of my “growing up” (physically, emotionally, and personally) has occurred in some diverse places in this world.  Mind you, I am not complaining.  As a result of this diversity and exposure, I feel that I have become quite a well rounded person.  I have learned a lot, seen a lot, grown a lot.  I can easily feel comfortable in many more varying situations than most people who have not had the opportunity to grow as I have.  But all this seems to have happened at a price.  What/where do I call home?  Somehow the events, people, and places that have formed me into who I am, have somehow cost me a loss of identity.  A paradox.

I am pretty sure I have found a home, and I think it is within reach.  Who knows.  In his past year this paradox has become more apparent, more prevalent, and more vital to solve.  Maybe it is age.  I am 37 now, how can I not be able to call anywhere or anything home?  Shouldn’t I be able to by now?  Aren’t most people settled into their identity and lives by this time?

Back to my theory of possibly finding it.  It is a world that I have been learning more about over the past few years.  Growing more and more fond of it with more exposure.  Sometimes in baby steps, and sometimes in huge bounds.  There are aspects in this world/place/situation that I have (in times past, or in other places) found difficult to deal with.  But in this specific place, those aspects don’t matter.  I have had glimpses of being a part of this place, and during those brief moments, I felt at home.  Totally comfortable, totally at ease, any and all troubles became insignificant.  Because in this place, I felt that I belonged, and when you belong, when you are home, everything will be okay, all problems will be able to be worked out, anything can be dealt with.  When you are home, you are safe from the world.  You are protected by, and made stronger by this sense of home.

I have seen it, I have felt it, I want it.  Only time will tell  ……

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Second Chances

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
By: Brandon Bailor

Every once in a while life will throw you a second chance.  Lets hope I don’t blow it again this time.  I actually can’t believe I am writing this, putting my deepest thoughts out for the public to see.  Thank goodness this is ambiguous enough to protect both the guily and the innocent.  Besides … who is going to read this anyway …

Right now, things are good.  Really good.  If they stay this way for the rest of my life, I will die a very happy man.  If they get better, I will eventually die the happiest man that ever lived. 

But what is the best way to proceed?  I fear the pace is everything.  Too fast … blow it … too slow … blow it.  I have no idea where the lines are that I cannot cross.  Are there any lines at all anyway?  Best thing to do is man up and be totally up front … put it all out there and see what happens.  But is that gonna also blow it?  Only one way to find out …

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